Why do 15 things for me?

Hello Everyone!

As some of you may know by now, I am doing 15 things for myself this summer. One thing each week.

Why am I being so selfish?

Well, for starters, anyone who knows me well knows I will put others before myself constantly. I was bullied throughout elementary school. It was a small school, and I was an easy target. The worst part is, there is no recovering from that mentality of not being worth other people's time. When my family moved, I did everything I could to start fresh and make friends I had never had before. I met two amazing girls who welcomed me into their circle. We all got along really well, until they had a huge fight. Then I juggled my attention between the two, until I couldn't anymore.

It didn't matter, because I found a man I loved at school in 10th grade. He was a great guy, who loved me, despite what I thought of myself for years. We had an amazing time together. He was my best friend. However, it didn't work out, and we went our separate ways. I hope he is doing great.

Since then I've tried my hand at other relationships. One mentally abused me. Another was a man who was too good to be true. He is a great guy, who will make a girl very happy one day, but we did not see eye to eye on some topics, so it would not have worked out for us.

I am currently with a very smart man who has done nothing but encourage me throughout our relationship. He wants me to be happy, more than anything. I have never met anyone, other than my family, that genuinely cared about my happiness like he does.

This brings me to my point. Why am I doing these things? I have struggled my whole life to be what my friends wanted me to be. What my boyfriends wanted me to be. What my family wants me to be. I recently did group counseling through my school, and I realized that everyone in the group was worried about making others happy. They rarely worried about themselves. And I was the same. In the last couple of years, if I haven't been struggling through school work, i've been working in a boring factory to pay for school.

I was recently diagnosed with anxiety/ depression. I'm not so depressed where I don't want to live life anymore, but I am tired of feeling like i'm not living. I am currently applying for jobs related to my major of art education, so that I can get more experience before graduation. I have also decided to do 15 things for myself. Things I have never done before, either because I never took the time to learn how to do it, or never had the money to do it, or felt obligated not to do it.

I am not doing this to spite anyone, or show that I don't care what anyone thinks. I still care about my family and friends. However, I also need to care about myself, and love myself as much as I care about others. It is a constant struggle to go to bed every night wishing I would have done something differently with my day, that would have made me happy. I want to be proud and confident in myself. that's what this is about.

Please feel free to follow my journey throughout the summer. Better yet, don't forget to do things for yourself too. Everyone needs a little break from life. Do things that make you happy, and don't feel guilty about it. You deserve it.

Happy living!

-O

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